Once you have been staring rock bottom straight in the eyes for long enough, you become fearless. You roll up those sleeves, and say “Bring it on!” You take your chances, because you feel as though it couldn’t feel any worse and there is nothing left to lose. You get up, you say goodbye, and you choose life. You choose to live.
I have chosen to live, and while I have only one foot of this physical body out the door, my spirit lives happy and free, truly joyful and excited about the prospects of the future. I cannot wait to get to know myself again and to be myself, unashamedly, unapologetically.
You cannot hurt me anymore. Throughout the years I have come to know you better than you know yourself. I know your games now. And I refuse to play them. I tolerate you, because your days are numbered. Now I know that your actions and your speech reel straight off of the narcissist’s handbook, you are so predictable. I nod and smile, because I’m not really here with you. I have already left. D day is just around the corner. Something you thought would never happen. You thought I wouldn’t be capable of it. You thought I was needy, and afraid to be alone. You thought I was like you.
I am not like you. I am fearless. It took me a while to become the woman that I am, and I am still becoming her. You thought I would be crushed and broken, and it angers you that I do not deal with things in the way that you want me to, or would even expect after everything. The fact that I waste no tears over you has you bewildered. I stopped crying a long time ago. I cried so much, until there were no more tears and I became a machine. Incapable of crying, incapable of laughing.
Well I have started laughing again, now that I know your days are numbered. There is a spring in my step, and I am that breath of fresh air. People see the change, and I truly feel it within me. I am leaving the darkness, to live in the light. You lost.