When Words Fail You

Although I had always been shy, I could when necessary speak precisely and concisely enough to get my point across without being misunderstood. Among close friends I shared thoughts and feelings and was even able to throw in a dash of dry humour here and there. But that all changed. It changed during my marriage to Mr Wrong.

In the beginning we would spend hours engaged in what I thought was deep and meaningful conversation. I listened attentively as I thought I was getting to know him, finding his talks fascinating. I contributed to discussion too, and although whatever I said would somehow be used to fuel more talk about himself, I didn’t notice or mind so much due to my quiet nature. It was easier to simply listen along, periodically breaking up my silence with affirmations that I was paying attention with “Mmm,” and “Yeah,” than to take control and direct a conversation.

Over time I started to notice repetition. During the honeymoon phase I listened politely so as not to embarrass him by telling him that all the talk had been building up to the climax of a tale that I had already heard before. It seemed he loved the sound of his own voice so much that he could go on for hours about the time he did such and such, not realising that I had heard it all last month. When it became too impractical to devote such attention I began to explain that he had already told me the story, but that didn’t deter him from explaining again – no! He would continue talking and try to spice it up with a new perspective or some never-heard-before detail.

As the initial stage of admiration began to fade I began use my voice more. I used it to disagree or explain a different perspective and somehow the most simplest of things was so badly misconstrued and received in such a distorted manner. I would spend time and energy trying to break down, re-word what I had said in an attempt to demonstrate how they had misunderstood and I hadn’t intended to offend them. It happened over and over again and I was never ever able to convince them. Conversations would start off about one thing and end up a full blown argument about something else completely unrelated and I remember feeling completely dumbfounded at the direction things would quickly hurtle towards. I thought it was something I was doing. I made a conscientious effort to speak clearly and choose my words carefully but it was to no avail. I thought I wasn’t able to communicate effectively and even my wit and dry humour went right over his head.

And so I stopped talking. I gave up.

He had effectively silenced me.

My words were nothing of value, and my thoughts were insignificant. The only important thing in the relationship was him, and I was irrelevant.

I no longer talked about my day or how I was feeling. I kept it light and superficial, only talking about safe and mundane issues like “What do you fancy having for dinner?” I became so quiet with him and such a recluse yet I doubt he noticed. It was how I survived. It was how I avoided the drama. It was abuse. I even recall blaming myself and telling him that I didn’t know how to talk! The funny thing was my colleagues understood me. Conversations with them didn’t exhaust me. It wasn’t until I was trying to leave the marriage that the full extent of how sick and twisted they were manifested itself and I learnt the best strategy of all. Not to engage.

He was a narcissist. I learned that nothing I would ever say would make sense to him, however the problem didn’t lie in my choice of words, but in his head. I would never ever ‘win’ an argument, but that wasn’t because what I had to say had no merit, but because of his warped way of thinking. I am no longer married to this person but I am still in contact with him due to having children and even though he still tries to morph what I say into something else, I have learned techniques to shut him down.

My words have never failed me, they were simply wasted on deaf ears.

If anyone is reading this and finds some similarity with their own circumstances, then please, do not allow anyone to hold such power over you that you begin to doubt yourself.

Thank you for reading and have a blessed day!

 

 

Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash